If I was King of the friggin’ World the following are the the first things that I would implement. Yea, there are the most important things like World Peace, the environment, poverty, medical research, new economic systems, The Fab Four as Universal Ambassadors of Intergalactic Friendship and so on; but I would have the best and brightest minds as my Court working on that shit, these are the King’s personal get ‘er done list starting Day one.

1. The complete eradication of all snakes. That includes eels and long skinny lizards with real tiny legs. I know lots of people would bitch and complain that snakes do good, killing vermin and… well other snaky crap. Well, those people will have their asses exiled to a large ark-like boat that will forever sail the seas unable to set harbor on land. And on that boat will be every photo, sculpture or painting ever created with an image of a snake. See ya!

2. Fat Gyms. These are gyms that are only for fat people, where you can wear workout clothes that are clearly designed for thin people no matter what Xlarge size they may be. Where you can work out without thinking that every toned person running, biking, lifting or spinning (what the hell is that, when I first hear spinning class I think of blue-hairs with yarn and wooden wheels) is judging you. And once you get to a certain weight you’re OUT! If you don’t think this edict is worthwhile, you can probably wear bike shorts. Believe me I’ll get to bike shorts eventually.

3. Beginners Golf Courses. Just like fat gyms’ hierarchy these golf courses are designed in the same mold. Golfers hate beginners on THEIR golf course, and a beginner cannot enjoy or learn the game due to the nature of this system. This would bring the Putt Putt mentality to the real greens, and it would be a self-reliant system of moving on to another course because nobody wants to play with a beginning golfer.

4. The King’s Movie Theater. Certain movie theaters would be labeled as The King’s. These theaters would not allow talking, and that includes from the second the trailers start to the last credit rolls, no cell phones, no hand-held video games and no babes in arms. Of course there will be regular movie houses for the masses but the King’s theaters will be available, too. If  you talk, text or play during the movie your seat will sink into the security floor where you will be barcoded by an invisible tattoo laser and from that moment on forever banned from a King’s Theater. Yeah, that’s right, one time. This edict will become known as The King’s Revenge Edict. Yeah, I’m talking to you, the couple with the 4 screaming kids all with cell phones and video games who incessantly misbehaved as you talked about an upcoming wine tasting event while ruining my first screening of The Dark Knight.

5. The words “Lindsay” and “Lohan” would never appear together in a newspaper, news program or magazine again. They would be allowed on the one and only trash TV channel and in certain publications found in Dentists’ offices only.

Note: The King hopes that all The Real Housewives, Mafia Wives and Jersey Shore cats are snake lovers.